Two Years Later, I Still Have Cancer But Cancer Still Doesn’t Have Me

Two years ago, my world stopped, and I experienced a fear that today I still can’t verbalize. Although this wasn’t the first time, I had encountered fear, fear had never halted my living until that moment. December 11, 2017, was the day I met my crisis. This was the day my Hematologist/Oncologist Dr. Neal informed me that I had Multiple Myeloma (Blood cancer).

My memory has failed me on a few occasions during my life, but I remember every word, every moment and every feeling that I experienced that day and the days to follow. I remember mourning for my children, my parents and everyone that loved me because I was convinced, I was dying. Never mind the fact that we are all dying, I had cancer and it was over for me. Not one positive thought entered my mind for at least a week and even then, the fear of the diagnosis consumed me.

Since the age of 10, I have known that my purpose was connected to women and girls. This understanding is the reason I have never been afraid to speak and share my truth with you. However, I couldn’t bring myself to share this. I couldn’t say the words without crying. I didn’t want to display that much vulnerability; you knew me as this strong and fearless voice, and I felt obligated to maintain that because that is what so many women need.

Consumed by fear, I wasn’t living or sleeping but I was praying for direction. Then it happened, around 2 am on New Year’s Eve I begin to understand that like being molested and abused, this cancer diagnosis was another chapter in my book of life that would empower and feed the souls of women/girls. With this apparent understanding I immediately became obedient to the one who answers my prayers, God and I wrote my truth and shared it with you.

That one act of obedience and faith was the first step to being cancer-free. Not cured but free of the fear that cancer had induced. Free to shine light everywhere cancer had cast clouds. Over time, although the fear of cancer wasn’t completely banished, it was less crippling, and I begin to live again. I recently heard Lauren London recite a poem written by Nipsey Hussle’s sister, Samantha Smith that verbalized perfectly how I overcame the fear of cancer.

“WE DANCE IN THE RAIN UNTIL THE FEAR IS DRAINED”

Writen by: Samantha Smith Spoken by: Lauren London

Listen, sis, every crisis isn’t intended to kill you. Some crisis is intended to change you and that is just what cancer did for me. Today, I live more abundantly than I ever had before. I have something now that trumps temporary emotions like fear and happiness. Today I have joy and peace despite having cancer because I decided to live instead of merely existing and being imprisoned by cancer. Even on days that fear and anxiety are present, they are not strong enough to diminish my joy or interrupt my peace.

So yeah, two years post-diagnosis, I still have Smoldering Multiple Myeloma, but cancer still doesn’t have me.

MY STYLE JOURNAL

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